My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
