Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
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That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
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I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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