sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
