wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
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Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
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You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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