I met the friendliest cop last night
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I feel like death gave me a hand job
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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