I just cut my nipple shaving
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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