You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
The struggles of a small town man whore
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
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