Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize
