I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
