the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
drinking out of a sandbucket again
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Randomize
