He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I'm at about main and main street
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
