am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
