Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
