when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
