So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
