this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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