maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
