remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
