Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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