I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Randomize
