May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
