God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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