apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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