You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
