I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Life is so much better after having sex.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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