I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
