i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
You pole danced in your parka.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
