my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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