I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
