I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
