I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
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