I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
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