pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
