i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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