Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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