I hate your face
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
