Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
