im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
We have so much sex to catch up on
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
