i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
