do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
