By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Randomize
