The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Randomize
