Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I just blew my weed a kiss
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
