just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
