help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Little spoons don't ask big questions
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
