haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
