I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
