At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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