yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
