So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
