i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
