We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
We need to get me chipped asap
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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