i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
