Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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