Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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