Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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