Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
