She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Randomize
