didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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