I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
