Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Randomize
